A Changed Perspective on Mother's Day

Sarah is 30 years old and was adopted when she was two. Sarah's adoption was closed. Her biological parents had a drug addiction that led to her placement in an adoptive home. Sarah says her adoptive parents, who are "just 'parents'" to her, have been nothing but supportive to me. They were open with Sarah about her adoption and always answered her questions about her story. Sarah's parents let it be her choice if she ever wanted contact with her biological parents.

Sarah shared the following post on Facebook on Mother's Day- as she reflected on what it means to be a mother and begins to understand more about her biological mother's tough decision regarding adoption. We hope her words help readers to reflect on how adoptees can perceive their biological parents and their decision to make adoption plans for their children. Sarah also bravely demonstrates how life experiences and maturity can help change a perspective.

I used to resent you a lot. I used to be so angry at what you had done. To me. To us.

I used to look in the mirror a million times and wonder if I looked like you. I used to look in the mirror and wonder why I just wasn't good enough. Why you just couldn't quit. For my sake. For yours.

I used to think you were a monster. That you were selfish and weak. I used to have such disgust for you. I used to wonder why everything else in your life was more important to you than me. More important than getting your sh*t together, FOR ME.

I used to be so angry at you and I never even knew your name ... didn't remember your face. As a kid, teen, and young adult you were less than human in my eyes. You were just someone who couldn't get it together, didn't care enough to get it together. You were the cause of all my pain, frustration, anxiety, and every emotional scar I ever had. You were the worst thing. Nothing could ever make me feel respect or compassion for you. Nothing.

Then I had a son. I had a son and I realized there's no handbook for this parenting thing. I had a son and I felt my own flaws slap me in the face. I freaked out, over analyzed and second guessed every little thing about myself as a mother and I didn't know if I could raise him right or if I even deserved him. I had a son and I suddenly realized parents aren't perfect and I was never going to be the quintessential perfect mother. I had a son and I realized parents just do the best they can and pray they don't screw their kids up too bad in the process. I had a son and I realized some parents fight their own demons and do their best to raise their kids at the same time. I had a son and realized some people just can't do both and so they let their kids go... maybe in hopes their kids will be better off without them. I had a son and you became human to me.

I looked at my son and I saw that he looked just like me. I looked at him and I started to forgive you. I stopped resenting you. I let the grudge go. I looked at my own imperfect life and I realized I couldn't judge you. I don't know what demons you were fighting. I don't know what led you to the choices you made. I don't know if you were so far gone that it was impossible for you to come back even if you had wanted to. I don't know what happened to you that led you to live the life you lived and make the choices you made.

I looked at my son and I realized I had to work to become as whole and as at peace as possible for him. Doing that meant letting go of my anger for you. It meant working to heal a huge hole in my life. It meant learning to put the past to bed. I've worked at it. I'm a lot more whole than I used to be. I still have a ways to go but I'll get there. My son deserves that.

You were never a mother but you were never a monster either. You were flawed and human. Like the rest of us. I don't know if you gave me up with good intentions or if you were so high and out of your mind that you had no clue I was even gone.... but either way I forgive you. I had to. For my son. For myself.

It took a long time for me to come to terms with things. It took a long time for me to get to this point. Having a good support system has been a major part of the healing process. I have a good mama. I have a great mother. I have an amazing mom. You owe her a lot. Lady, you owe her so much words can't even begin to describe how much... you couldn't pay her back if you had 10 lifetimes. She's just that amazing. I love her just that much.

Maybe giving me up was the only good thing you ever did in your entire life. Maybe giving me up was the hardest thing you ever had to do. I'll never know. I'm glad you did though. I'm glad I could heal. I'm glad I could find some peace. I'm glad you recognized you could never be a mother to me and I'm glad you gave an amazing woman the chance to pick up the pieces you dropped. You were never a mother ... you are no longer my monster. And my son? He's gonna be just fine.

Adoption Support Alliance gladly thanks Sarah for sharing her story with us in this format. If you are interested in connecting with Sarah more, she is more than willing to do so- just email info@adoptionsupportalliance.org and we will put you in touch.

If you have a story or perspective to share, we'd love to hear from you as well and add your voice to our blog :)

#birthfamily #healing #parenthood #forgiveness #anger